Its the end of the world as we know it
by MonkeySaru
Summary: ...AND I FEEL FINE..." In which I, MonkeySaru, touch on the horrors of Narnian fanfiction, such as MarySue's, OC/'s, etc. R&R. 'Sue-bashing ahead. Don't like? Don't read.
1. Sues and swords and starry eyes! OH MY!

Well hello there!  
It's Monkey again. x) I really have no other explanation for this silly fan fiction other than the fact that it jumped into my brain and wouldn't leave me alone, I've been dying to do one of these for a long while, and I felt as though I owed you all SOMETHING after your uplifting reviews on '_Light_'.  
=P  
This was mostly spawned out of my intense and growing hatred of how many OC/'s there are in the Edmund archives. I'm not going to even TOUCH the Peter ones, for what I know is there.  
So that's where this kinda came from. xD; That and my sudden hyperactive tendancies when approached with coffee.  
I stink at romance scenes. Sorry guys. D:  
And this probably had some inspiration from JealousoftheMoon's wonderfully hilarious fiction series known as _The Canon Keepers_. GO READ THEM IF YOU HAVEN'T.  
So here it is, in all of it's hilariously-stupid glory.  
Ciao.

**DISCLAIMER - I ain't C.S. Lewis. If I was, I'd be a whole lot smarter and have much better grammar. Don't sue.**  
_(-SNORK- get it??! _'Sue_!?!? BAHAHA.)_

* * *

The feel of her cool lips pressed to his,

The sensation of vibrancy and life splitting through the air in torrents, like a flood,

The whispers of love waiting to be spoken.

Locked in a kiss, the two individuals stood, moonlight pouring down and making them mere shadows in the night. The warm breeze gently caressed their faces, tossing hair and clothing about. Crickets sung in a low symphony nearby, using the stars above to set their tempo. The trees swayed and danced to the silent music that so gushed from the passionate scene, the sound of a babbling brook nearby spoke gentle words to the air.  
It was beautiful. It was glorious.

It was Heaven.

"You kiss like a prince," the young woman sighs, giggling slightly as he gripped her slender hand that much tighter in his own.

"Is this a bad thing?" He whispers back from behind dark locks of hair, spinning her about as if they were dancing.

"Well, no, of course not. Actually, it's rather exciting." She replied wistfully, her golden locks of hair spilling down her back. Her light, rose-colored dress was fanning out around her knees as she twirled in circles, guided by his hands. He merely smiled quietly, placing his hand on her waist and stepping her around the balcony in a slow, waltz-like dance.

"This feels like a dream," she muttered, voice no higher than a whisper as she blinked her bright green eyes slowly, her lashes curling upwards daintily. "Just like a dream..."  
"Maybe it is," he whispered softly back, his warm eyes dancing. "But who says that we _can't_ dream?"

Giving a soft, slightly unbelieving chuckle, she leaned in closer, her slender body pressed up against his as she tilted her head upwards to reach his lips. Likewise, he bent down a bit, his lips faintly brushing hers, the tips of their noses nearly touching.  
"I love you, Edmund," she whispered, reaching her hand up to gently brush the untidy black hair from his eyes. He placed his hand on her cheek; lights sparking in his deep brown eyes that she desperately hoped would always be there. They were so warm, so inviting...

"I love you, too, Celestianna-Naraunna-Liandreena-Pheuroanna-Geiranna-Yuranna-Kheanna-Whianna-Dleahanna Jones."  
For sake of saving his breath, as it was rapidly becoming lost with each syllable, he merely said the short version of her name, though extreme, indefinite love dripped from each word that passed his lips. Her emerald eyes widened even as she closed them, leaning forwards...

And all at once, the sound of a Roar shook the entire world as their lips met. Breaking apart in their confusion, eyes nearly the size of dinner plates, the king and his princess leapt apart as the sound of a knife being unsheathed filled the air. Celestianna pressed herself to Edmund, fear replacing her totally-canonical love for him. Totally. Likewise, he held her with one arm and whipped out his sword, glaring at the doorway, where a fell monster was creeping out from the shadows. The king gasped in slight annoyance.

"Prepare to taste steel, foul brother of mine," The black-haired king hissed quietly, and Celestianna felt a rush of extreme pride that this was _her _king.

"I forbade you to ever see her again, Edmund! I thought we had agreed on this!" the monster screamed, waving its arms madly and brandishing a knife.  
"_Edmund, snap out of it, will you?"  
_"I will never leave her!" He roared back, holding her closer, and Celestianna swooned, feeling his strong muscles keeping her near him. "You cannot keep love within boundaries!"  
The monster sighed tiredly. Stepping right up close, it tore the blade from Edmund's hand. Celestianna screamed.  
Taking the blade in its hands, it swung the sword at the girl. Cringing, waiting for the impact, Celestianna anticipated death.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

In slow motion, with epic theme music playing from somewhere in the background, Edmund leapt into the path of the blade and was forcefully run through. Celest, her eyes wide when she opened them, was met with the sight of her lover crashing to the ground with absolute grace, blood spilling onto the stone.

"nuuuuuuuuuuu!!11111!!loneneeoeneo~!`12112!!!" Celestianna shrieked, dropping to her knees and feeling for his pulse. "eddikinzzzz!!!!``"  
Fantasy melted into reality, and the monster holding Edmund's sword slowly became Peter, staring down at her with the utmost contempt. She went from grief-stricken to furious in a matter of seconds.

"dye, 1337 d0oD!!!!11elevenelevenenennn!!1132!" She howled, leaping to her feet and attempting to claw out his eyes with freshly-manicured nails. Fortunately, the High King was too quick for her fan-girlish rage, and in a matter of seconds, she was falling lifeless to the stone, pink, glittery blood leaking from her perfect chest. The abominable liquid also stained the sword, to which the blond gave a slight "ugh" of disgust at before looking over to the doorway, where the sounds of chains clanking filled the hall. Falling out of the shadows, Edmund Pevensie, the _real _Edmund Pevensie, dropped to the floor and uttered one word, gasping for breath.

"_...FREEDOM."_  
The hot-pink, flower-scented, glittering chains immediately fell away from his limbs, and he gasped, drinking in the clear air without bothering to get up off the stone floor.  
Peter grinned slightly, still holding the 'Sue-stained sword, and casually reached out his hand to help his brother up. Edmund accepted, still breathing hard, and looked around.

"So, what happened?"  
"Another crazed fan-girl author came through the archives and trashed you again," Peter said simply, gesturing to the dead corpses of the OOC's on the floor. Edmund merely shook his head, his eyes wide with annoyance and wonder.

"I swear, if I wake up in another one of those 'Sue prisons, I'm going to start a riot. How many have you been in?"

"One hundred and three." Peter muttered grimly, his eyebrows knitting together as he kicked at the quickly-fading 'Sue. Edmund let out a low whistle.  
"I'm only at seventy-seven, yet, and I'm not sure I can survive the next one."  
The highly esteemed author, _MonkeySaru_, feels as though she may need to explain something. You see, in her imagination, every time someone makes a 'Sue or a 'Stu out of one of our beloved Narnian characters, the real, canonical versions of themselves are locked away in the deep corners of the author/authoresses mind, pushed away and imprisoned by their 'Sue-ish ideals. To free the characters, the author/authoress of the horrific fictions we know as "OC/"'s, must be soundly berated and corrected by those who walk the straight-and-narrow path of fiction-writing. If there is such a thing.

"Amen. But let's go find the girls. I'm sure they're going to need this, too." Peter muttered wryly, gesturing to the sword. His brother made a face.

"Please tell me you're going to _clean _it, first."  
"...I was rather of the thought that _you _would clean it, because it's _your _sword."  
"--Which you _stole_ from me--"  
"--_Used_ to _free _you, you mean."

And all the way down the darkened halls of Cair Paravel, the sounds of the two brothers incessant bickering filled the air, their hands swinging slightly at their sides while they fought. Peter reached over and ruffled his brother's hair good-naturedly, while Edmund ducked out of the way and aimed a kick at the blonde's knee.  
Worry faded away on the wind, even as the dead bodies of the OOC's melted into nothingness, no doubt to be replaced with others soon enough.

* * *

=D  
Did I make you scream?  
If you all like this, I've got a few other ideas in my brain that I could do. I just don't really have enough. So if you've got an idea or two, feel free to either PM me or say so in a review. x) It makes me happy.


	2. SUUUUZAAAAN, MAI LUFFFZ 111!

Hello again!  
WOW. I didn't really expect so much positive feedback! Thank you all so, so much! I hope this chapter satisfies. x)  
**Tonzura123 – **You and me. Separated at birth.  
I was totally going for that idea when I wrote that. So glad you caught it. xD  
And DANG you people are smart. You picked up on the 'Sue Prison concept fully, without much explanation!  
Ya'll are too intelligent. I'm gonna hafta try and catch up, man. D=  
Hence I said **TRY. **No guarantees. D=  
The theme for today's chapter is Suspian.  
Yes, Suspian. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it means Caspian/Susan. I've seen a TON of fics like this where the entire storyline is changed, Aslan decides He was too harsh, and that Susan gets to stay.  
o.O"  
Yeah. I know. It's dead wrong.  
...But it makes for GREAT spoofing.  
Many will argue that Suspian is completely canonical, because it's in the movie.  
...I say lets stick with the book on this matter, and burn them alive at the stake.  
Bahahaha.  
...Oh great. Now I'm hungry for steak. ;~;  
Ah well. Enough of my rambling.  
Here's the next chapter, brought to you by staying up late, being a typical thirteen-year-old, and the after-affects of caffeine before bed.  
Ciao.

[start of incredibly long and unnecessary disclaimer]  
**DISCLAIMER –** I am not C.S. Lewis, nor am I related to him. Maybe distantly. –hopes- but no. I have no connection to him so far as I know, other than that I am envisioning him rolling in his grave at the very idea of his characters being so tortured and abused by these shameless authors on fan fiction.  
I'm flipping broke. If I made any money off of this, I'd have better chapters out more often. So leave me alone. D= Kay? Kay.  
[/end of incredibly long and unnecessary disclaimer]

* * *

Two dark figures stand alone together, completely overshadowed by the sheer enormity of the room. The moonlight fell in, spliced and incomplete on the marble flooring where it pooled, streaming in through the stained glass that neatly sits behind four large thrones made of white marble and other precious materials.

"I wish we could have more time together," One says, voice slurred by an incredibly fake-sounding Spanish accent. The other figure moves slightly closer, the skirts of her dress trailing out behind her.  
"Yes, I wish that, too," She says, her angelic voice taking on a slightly pained tone. "But I _am_ thirteen-hundred years older than you."  
"Neither time nor age can stop love," The other one, who we know as Ben Barnes--_Caspian_, said softly, but with extreme passion flowing from his hot, hot accent. Susan smiled a bit.

"No, I suppose not."  
They were silent for quite some time, listening to an old-ish clock ticking nearby. Nearly five minutes had past before Caspian broke the silence.

"Well, I suppose I should probably--"

But the Gentle Queen, shaking with a burst of adrenaline and sudden daring, interrupted him and blurted out -

"Oh, shut up and kiss me already!"  
She lunged forwards and caught his lips, and, eyes wide with surprise, he returned it.  
It_ looked _painful. Anna Popple--sorry, _SUSAN, _threw her arms about Caspian's shoulders, dragging him forwards slightly, as he was a bit on the tall side. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pressed his lips into hers, making the kiss slightly stifled, but even more passionate.

Tears of slight grief leaked from Susan's eyes as she pulled away, running her fingers over Caspian's tanned, totally hot face.  
"Aslan said we can't be together, and I have to leave. To go back to my world, I mean." Biting back a sob, she blinked quickly, tears continuing to overflow. Caspian was equally as grievous as she, and carefully wiped the crystalline tears from her cheeks even as tears of his own slid steadily down.

"How can He be so cruel? Hasn't He ever loved anyone like I to you? Loved them so much as to _die _for them, as I would for you?"

_...As we all contemplate the absolute bone-shattering irony in this little speech..._

Susan hiccupped, trying so hard not to break down entirely. It would ruin her freshly-applied makeup.  
"Not that I remember of, no." She said softly.

_...And as we let this ring into painful and much-explanation-towards-the-Last-Battle silence..._

"It _is_ cruelty," Caspian hissed darkly. Susan nodded wordlessly, still hiccupping profusely.

Suddenly, a light bulb exploded in the air over Caspian's head. Literally.

"I've got it! Let's go throw ourselves at His feet and beg for you to stay!" He cried, throwing his arms into the air and looking extremely pleased with himself. Susan looked a bit less than enthusiastic.

"Caspian, what He says goes, and He already said--"  
Suddenly, Aslan stomped into the throne room.

"Susan, I've decided that I was too harsh to shatter the dream that every modern-American girl would kill for, and decided that you can stay for the rest of your life and totally ruin any and all story lines."  
"TEH GASP1!!!1`11~!!!" Susan and Caspian cried in unison, both of them grinning like idiots.

**--WARNING--**

**The authoress, _MonkeySaru_, highly recommends you keep a pair of 'anti-hottie smileglasses' on for the duration of this fiction, as there is no telling when Caspian will break into a smile next. Trust me. I had to have laser-eye-surgery the other day because I forgot.**

**PLEASE PUT THEM ON. If you don't own a pair, please contact your nearest fan fiction office using the fan fiction complaint hot-line. 1-800-HOT-GRIN.  
Thank you.  
Now, please enjoy the rest of the chapter behind the safe, tinted glass of the...uh, glasses. Haha.**

Not bothering to watch as Aslan walked back out of the room, the duo bounced up and down like five year olds on Christmas morning.

"TOGETHER 4EVER AND ALWAYZZZZZ" They screamed with joy, flailing their arms madly about, kissing each other at every other syllable.

"NOW I WONT B LONELY AN EMO N E MOAR!!!!!11" Susan screeched, letting herself fall into Caspian's arms with such grace that was immediately heavily coveted by all Caspian fans.

His dark and fluffy hair flew about gorgeously as he spun about a bit, his teeth glittering stunningly in the low light where the moonlight caught them, getting ready to break into song.

**Uh oh. EARPHONES, QUICK.**

"WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER," He started, singing impossibly beautiful notes, and was even more heavily coveted by all male singers in the world. Especially Zac Efron. Susan soon joined in, and together they danced in the moonlight, hands clasped together, lips connecting every three notes or so.

With much cheering from the readers, the two Pevensie brothers burst in through the doors, panting heavily. Edmund now had his sword, which he had at some point wrestled away from his brother. It was also surprisingly clean and without 'Sue-stain, though Peter's leather jerkin had a suspicious glittery smear of pink on it that hadn't been there in the last chapter.

"CASPIAN, LET GO OF THE GIRL." Edmund bellowed, feeling rather proud of himself, as under normal circumstances, his fourteen-year-old vocal cords wouldn't have recovered so fully until about an hour or so after the 'Sue Prison. Must be the air of Narnia, he thought. --Err, wait...  
...Never mind.

Staring in total teenage shock and horror, the two gasped, clinging onto each other for dear life.

"No! Queen Suzaan eez mine! Go get ur own!" Caspian shouted at Edmund, looking extremely PO'd before attempting again to kiss the girl. From somewhere far off,_ 'Kiss the girl' _from '_The Little Mermaid' _began to play.  
Looking back at his brother, Edmund arched a thin eyebrow questioningly. Peter nodded and gestured at the two, letting a slow smile creep across his lips in expectation. Sheathing his sword, Edmund rubbed his hands together, and one might begin to think that he had little horns beneath the wild tufts of black hair that stuck out every which way on his head. Striding confidently over to Caspian, he cracked his knuckles for show. Peter rolled his eyes, hiding a grin behind his hand.  
After taking a deep breath, Edmund delivered a swift kick to Caspian's shin. The crack resounded through the huge room terribly, like a firecracker exploding in a completely silent hallway.

Falling to his knees, the Prince screamed in agony. It really was only a bruise, but of course, he wasn't used to being so hurt. Usually, his total and complete hotness warded off any unpleasant feelings most anyone had towards him. Besides jealousy, of course.  
Rising up to his full height of five foot nine and a half, the fourteen year old began shouting what seemed like random nonsense at the knelt-down Prince.

"WEAKLING. GEEK. FAKE HAIR. FRECKLES."  
He went on an on, waving his arms as well. In all truth, Edmund looked like a complete and total lunatic, Peter summarized to himself with a chuckle.  
But it was worth it.  
The youngest king continued screaming random nonsense at the Prince, who was now writhing on the stone floor in pain with his hands clapped over his ears, begging for it to stop. It seemed as though the word 'geek' to him was the equivalent of asking a schizophrenic person to share his box of crayons, or an arachnophobic person being in charge of the spider exhibit at the zoo.  
All in all, it was a nightmare to him.

Susan had her hands clapped over her full, red lips, completely aghast.

"Edmund, stop!" She cried, bursting into tears, her dark hair spilling beautifully down her shoulders and back.

The black-haired youth didn't heed. Instead, his volume only increased, if possible.

"CHEWING GUM ON YOUR SHOE. FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL."

On and on and on he went. It seemed like hours.  
...Very AMUSING hours, but hours.

Finally, when Caspian was face-down on the flooring in a puddle of his own tears, Edmund dropped down to all fours and whispered hatefully into the Prince's ear -

"...ACNE."  
A loud, elongated scream erupted from Caspian's throat and reverberated through the halls of the Cair, growing in intensity and ear-splitting volume.  
And then in an explosion of blue glittering dust, Caspian was gone.

"CASPIANNNNNNNN" Susan screamed, throwing herself at the floor where her Prince once lay. Letting the blue dust sift through her fingers like sand, her tears soon created a small river that even today still runs through Narnia. It's called the "Don't-drink-from-this-its-'Sue-poison" River.  
Brushing himself off, Edmund stood to his feet, rubbing the blue glitter from his palms and staring down at his sister.

"Die, 'Sue." He commanded simply, not even watching as she, too, exploded into mere sparkling dust without a fight.

Turning around, he rested his hand on the pommel of his sword and gave a slight shrug.

"So much for love?"  
"So much for love." Peter agreed, bursting into loud, raucous laughter. "Oh I say, Ed, well done!"  
Grinning in the dim light, you could just make out the pointed edges of the fangs everyone swore to Aslan were part of the set of teeth Edmund was given. But _(thankfully) _before the authoress could delve into a full-fledged ten-paragraph-long back-story on Edmund's teeth, two very shaken figures exploded through the doorway the boys had come in through awhile before, and these were none other than Susan and Caspian.

"Sweet Lion!" Susan screeched, falling to the ground and not making any move to get up as the glittering chains around her wrists melted into nothingness. "I was quite certain I wouldn't survive that one. They just get _worse_ and _worse_..."  
"Yes, well," the Prince said in a proper British accent_ (WOOOHOOOO! LET CANON REIGN!), _brushing himself off with slight contempt, "it doesn't exactly help that _Walt Disney _and _Walden Media_ are giving these--these _monsters_--a new playground to bask in every two years or so."  
The other three looked extremely puzzled.

"...What the dickens is a_ Disney_?" Peter asked incredulously.

"Or a _Walden_?" Edmund chimed in.  
Caspian looked around, as though he were trying to remember. His blond hair fell limply to his shoulders, and many a fan girl threw themselves off of the Eiffel Tower as they learned that the _real _Caspian was not the hot, extremely macho-man that Andrew Adamson had led them to believe.

"...I actually don't know," the Prince said finally, his cheeks twinging a bit pink. "It's the strangest thing. They just...jumped into my head?"  
"That makes sense," Susan said, and the boys wordlessly agreed. "So, what happened?"  
"Well," Edmund began, wondering how to word it. "Caspian and yourself were sort of connected to each other. By the lips. But it's weird - It _wasn't _you. Or, well, it _was_, but Caspian was taller, older, more masculine, and had dark hair and a really hot accent."  
The Prince stared at him incredulously.  
"...Connected by the lips? You don't mean we were...?" He asked, eyes going wide as dinner plates. Edmund gave a little shrug.

"Kissing, snogging, sucking each other's mouth out through the lips, etcetera. Whatever you want to call it."  
Both highly respected characters gave little cries of disgust - not because they disliked one another, no, one mustn't think that for a second. They were merely good friends, and Narnia is not a place for sexual contact, anyway. It never was.  
"We _kissed_?!" Susan cried, looking abhorred. "That makes me want to--want to--"  
"--Bodily throw yourself off the north tower, screaming like a madman?" Edmund interjected, grinning toothily. Susan stopped her stuttering to glare at him fully.  
Caspian, however, was in a panic.

"Q-Queen Susan! I don't know where to begin--I'm so, so apologetic about this--I swear to The Lion I have never had any feelings towards you in such a way that would make me tear down your honor--oh," He moaned, and just about every book-Caspian fan awww'd in sympathy. Susan's features softened.  
"Oh, Caspian, don't be so apologetic. It wasn't as if it were _you_ out there doing it, and it certainly wasn't me_. I _shouldn't have reacted so strongly. Forgive me?"  
"Of course, Queen Susan," Breathing a sigh of relief, the Prince nodded, looking slightly relieved. "Forgive me?"  
"Of course."  
Caspian let an impish smile cross his features, and began to look about at the huge ceiling, walls, columns, etcetera.  
"...So this is what Cair Paravel looked like, thirteen hundred years ago..." He said with wonder, eyes slightly wide as he took in the magnificent structure.  
They then began staring at the sooty pile of 'Sue/'Stu dust on the floor.  
"Someone ought to clean that up," Edmund said belatedly after a long period of silence, and Peter slowly turned to fix him with a burning scowl. His brother, realizing what he had just said, hesitantly shot him a quick look before looking instead at the tips of his boots.

"I'd vote that it be you, seeing as you're so eager to join the decoration committee," Peter said slowly, gesturing to the long, pink smear all over the front of his tunic.  
"What happened?" The Prince asked, sensing a highly amusing story behind this. Peter flicked his eyes upwards to meet Caspian's, seeing as Edmund wasn't going to talk.  
"The brat cleaned his sword on my tunic and ran off. The little--HEY!" Peter yelped, feeling as though thousands of grains of beach sand were being shoved down the back of his shirt. Leaping around and flailing his arms, he felt grain after grain of blue 'Sue dust sliding down his back and leggings.

The last thing anyone saw of Edmund for a long while was a dark shadow sprinting off down the hallway; trailing blue dust and laughing maniacally all the way down the corridor.  
Likewise, Peter wasn't heard from for a prolonged period of time, either, as he attempted to shake all the dust from his clothing out while he ran, screaming incoherently after his brother.  
"YOU LITTLE BEAST--WHEN I CATCH YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FREE GAME IN THE MIDST OF A HALF-STARVED WOLF PACK! I--STOP LAUGHING!"  
Staring after them, the Prince shrugged at their childish antics and offered Susan his arm. She took it with a smile, and he blushed furiously, and down the hall they went, listening to the fading, indignant shouts of the kings disappear gradually into the night.

"I SAY, PETER, IT WAS A JOKE! STOP IT! THAT WATER IS _COLD_! AHHH--!"  
Nothing more was heard but the sound of the Eastern Sea crashing over the shore, and the laughter of a self-avenged older sibling.

* * *

=D  
Here are some clarifications for anyone who didn't understand.

**Schizophrenic **people are usually very, very artistic. So if you didn't get that joke - I just explained it. xD  
An** Arachnaphobic** is someone who is absolutely terrified of spiders.  
For those of you who got 'em without explanation - kudos and cookies!  
And I hope I got Caspian in character. He's supposed to be a timid tween/teenager, blond, and have a huge respect for girls, especially if they're Queens from his bedtime stories. xD That's why the movie version made me so mad.  
Where did his respect go...? D=  
Oh wellz. Hope I got it.  
3 Reviews make me happy. And get more chapters out faster.  
&&DOITNOW.


	3. A hairdryer is a dangerous cosmetic item

Hey, ya'll.  
8D  
Yes, I'm back from the dead. Partially.

School's a killer.

Thanks for your patience. I shan't keep you much longer. ^^;  
Just read and review! Thankies!

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Running. Running. Escaping.

Loud, uneven, desperate intakes of oxygen rasp through the otherwise heavily silent wood, accompanied by the occasional, pitiful moan.  
The foliage obscures the sky; the rain pelts down in torrents, causing the ground to turn to mud, which the silhouette in the night had slipped in twice.

A darkened figure raced through the thick brush, determined to get away, determined to escape this living _hell_--  
The freezing rain pelted harder. The branches and stray thorns tore and ripped, many scratches and bleeding cuts adorned him, but still the shadowed figure raced forward, refusing to go back. The roots and brambles snared his feet, the darkness loomed ever closer, and no birds sang.

Ominous shadows and darkened trees began to encircle him--there was no way out. He had been running so hard, so fast, for so long. Too tired to go on, unable to go back, the exhausted Faun sank down onto his face and did nothing.

Listening to the pressing silence, save for his own, wheezy breaths, he didn't bother moving. Too tired. Too tired to even think about when he had last eaten or drank something. Too tired to live.  
The continual rain pattered downwards on top of him, running off of his scarred and heavily welted back, where wounds often split open and began to bleed. Bruised and abused, Martin let his face sink into the churning mud, and began to sob.

The hot tears that spilled down his pale cheeks were in deep contrast to the freezing rain that drenched him - he was a sad sight to see.

"Aslan, why me?" the wretched Faun moaned piteously, wondering vaguely if he was going mad in the head. His words echoed into the air, which, combined with the sounds of the dousing storm that poured overhead, forced one to sympathize with him, if only a bit, depending on how heartless you were.

Come on. You know you're heartless. Don't lie to yourself.

Admit it.

Another wet, garbled sob.

"Why me, O great Lion? Why did I have to endure such torment as what I lived in before? Why did you give to me an abusive father who enjoyed beating me daily with broken bottles of hard beer and questionable gardening tools? Why, why, why?"

The continual mantra of agonizing sorrow and overwhelming grief would melt the heart of any passerby into a puddle of warm, Campbell's tomato soup.  
With the alphabet letters.

Martin, sobbing too hard to convert any more heartache into words, didn't have the care to drag himself over beneath the nearest tree for shelter. Despite his uncontrollable shivering, he stayed put, hoping that this was finally it. Begging for release. Pleading for death.

That is, until she came.

Hair like the evening sunset, eyes like the sweetest spring flower, lips spilling nothing but words of kind tenderness, and a voice sweeter than a songbird in May.

The queen, so pure in the moonlight, an aura of encircling light capturing her image in its gentle beams, she came softly closer. No rain seemed to fall where she stood, and darkness couldn't touch her. Entrapped in her stunning beauty, the Faun could say nor do nothing but watch.

Then she noticed him.

Giving a horrified gasp, she clapped a small, dainty hand over her rosy lips, dashing through the mud and the sludge towards him and dropping down onto her knees, ruining her beautifully wrought dress quite efficiently.

_"I wonder if oxi-clean would take it out...hm..." MonkeySaru wonders to herself, rubbing her chin thoughtfully and pushing her lengthy hair back behind her large ears. Her mind draws a-blank. This was a near-impossible piece to write, it was exactly 1:13 in the morning, and she had school to finish up tomorrow. Her local K-LOVE radio station played quietly in the background, accompanied by the occasional, happy moan coming from the ginger-colored cat on her lap as she slept._

_"Sugar, if you had opposable thumbs, I'd make _you_ write this for me," Monkey declared softly, stroking the soft fur of her elderly cat. Sugar looks up at her with unfocused, bright green, almond-shaped eyes before she goes right back to sleep. Letting out a slightly amused snort, Monkey listens to the thunderstorm pounding outside her window, desperately trying to finish this completely irrelevant paragraph up for her lovely, lovely readers while trying not making it completely ridiculous._

_So. This is over. We'll come back to me, later._

"Oh my goodness, what happened? Are you all right?" the ginger-haired girl asked, gently lifting the scarred face of the Faun. Martin stared blankly back at her, lost for words. That didn't stop the girl, however, as she looked around for something that could be of use in this situation. Standing upright, she asked,

"Can you walk?"  
"Both of my legs are broken," he moaned sorrowfully.

"Then how did you--? Oh never mind. Come on," she said quietly, dragging him over under a tree and out of the rain. For the most part.  
The Faun could do naught but stare.

She was so innocent. So loving. Her gentle stare was more than he could bear, and he looked away finally, tears filling his own eyes even as he did so.

Her gentleness. Her beauty. She was like a ray of sunshine in the midst of his storm, the warmth to his winter, the jelly to his peanut butter.  
But she could never love him. No matter how much he wished it, she would never love him. Lifting his grief-stricken face, he looked into her crystalline eyes once more, entrapped in her attractiveness.

Her soaked hair plastered to her head, mud smeared across her face, and yet still gorgeous beyond belief, she asked,

"Now. How did you get so hurt? Who are you?"  
"I am..." He mumbled, licking his dry lips. "I am Martin Samuel Tumnus, and--"  
Crash.

The whole of the darkened, silent glade was disturbed as several dangerous-looking figures dashed into sight, all atop magnificent-looking horses. Martin gasped aloud, eyes wide, and the girl was equally shocked. She let out an inappropriately dramatic scream of surprise that could be heard all the way in the marshlands and the Wild Western areas.

While the armed figures cleaned out their ears from the ridiculously loud shriek...

"LUCY MARIE PEVENSIE." The eldest of the group boomed, and he would've looked ever so much more magnificent and terrible -- if, at that moment, a certain younger sibling hadn't chosen to toss a well-aimed clump of seaweed at the back of his head. Letting his eyes remain closed as the seaweed slowly slipped off the back of his noggin and down his neck, Peter sighed, shifting in the saddle and peeling some of the wet plant off, despite the barely-concealed laughter of his brother.  
"Ed, I thought I had Felmar confiscate you of that stuff before we left," He hissed, blue eyes narrowed, but still not turning to look at Edmund.

Said boy merely sniggered all the harder.

"He did. But I saved some 'neath my cloak," He grinned impishly, dripping with sea water from the previous chapter and shivering slightly. Peter groaned loudly and had to refrain from repeatedly bashing his head against the horn of his saddle.

"You are so dead."

Edmund, quite used to death threats at this point, merely hummed a cheerful tune in reply.

The two bewildered figures on the ground anxiously awaited further recognition. Susan stared down at them sympathetically from her horse, but Caspian was too busy watching the boy-kings with obscene curiosity, and was silently egging them on where no one could hear him.

Lucy, the girl on the ground, as you might have realized by now, spoke up.

"...Please," she said sweetly, "I don't--"  
"SHUT UP," Peter howled at her, still not done deciding whether to hang his brother out the window by his toes, or strangle him with a boot lace. Lucy shutted up.

_-------_

_MonkeySaru stared at the flashing screen, occasionally flicking between fifty-and-a-half windows. She had just gotten finished checking her gmail, and there was nothing new on NarniaWeb. Letting a slight sigh escape her, she forced herself to stop procrastinating. She needed to get this chapter shipped off to her shiny new beta reader, Tonzura123, and progress was coming just a bit on the slow side. She needed to speed things up._

_Looking down at her pwnsome Narnia watch, with the red lion coat-of-arms on it, she was mildly shocked to see it flashing in warning._

_Slow, slightly suspenseful music began to play. Removing the lazy cat from her lap, she stood up hurriedly, looking this way and that, and charged for her closet in a burst of epic music._

_Emerging seconds later, she was..._

_...MonkeySaru. In a cooler T-shirt._

_It had green stripes on top of a really dark gray. _

_And it was awesome._

_So there._

_Brushing her hair back from her face, she glared menacingly at the other wall, slowly raising her arms so that her palms faced outwards in a sort of signal to stop._

_Instantly, the barrier melted away as if it were liquid drywall._

_Popping a piece of lime-green bubblegum into her mouth and snatching up her skateboard, she re-positioned the cowgirl hat atop her head and pushed off into the street. Her cat stared at her with a blank expression as the wall resealed itself._

_Blowing an enormous bubble, MonkeySaru then disappeared into the shadows, in and out of the street lights, skating through the rain and hoping to be back before three._

_---_

The High King, seaweed hanging off of his right ear, finally turned to the horrors on the ground with mild interest.

"Who're you?" He barked at the miserable Faun.

Said creature gave an elongated, wretched wail that hurt the ears of everyone present so much that the horses began to whinny and shy away.

"I am the child who was beaten every night by my own father! I am the child who was torn apart by the wolves in the forest while my father laughed! I am the child who received more than my daily bread's worth of work every day, held at knife-point! I am the child who--"

"THE NAME! GIVE US THE WRETCHED NAME!" Roared Edmund, hands clamped firmly over his ears in an attempt to block out this insane tirade. The Faun looked highly annoyed at this interruption, but complied with a huff.

"Martin Samuel Tumnus."

The silence that followed would've crushed anyone's spirits. Martin began to wail again.

_--------_

_Maria Susan Jones glared at the computer screen, wondering what on earth was happening to her story. She had left her desk for a mere five minutes and come back to find an entire whopping chapter she didn't write, filled with people she didn't even know. Who was Peter? Who was Edmund? What on earth? Was she going insane? She clutched at her head. She hoped not, because she had a date tomorrow and if would be awful to have lost her mind before going out._

_Shaking it off, she turned on her iTunes. Shoving her pink headphones into her ears, plugging in her pink iPod, and typing on her pink apple Mac laptop, she spent her evening away writing for her fan fiction. She had gotten a whole two positive reviews for twenty complete chapters - she was on a roll._

_Smiling as she stared at her review alert e-mail notification, which read;_

**_"Edwrdcllnizhotomgroflrofl33333!!!!!11: omg ur story iz ttly amazin plz continu"  
_**

_Forcing herself to tear her amber eyes away from this beautiful and highly descriptive review, she opened up the window to her story once more. Typing away furiously, she described her dear Martin Samuel._

_"weepng for his queen lu, he turnd and glard at the impoter king on the wite horsy, grining is teeth._

_'she is mine!!!!!!1' he shoutd furiosly, tears spelling down his face. lulu wept opnly along with him, clutcing at his hand.  
"o mrtin, its no use. i cnt b with u n e more."_

_"y???????????????????" he askd, sobbing._

_Maria Susan was highly shocked when another paragraph appeared on her screen. Eyes wide, she attempted to delete it. It wouldn't._

_---  
_

"...Martin Samuel...Tumnus?" Edmund whimpered slightly, face drained of all color. The others were just as ashen-faced as he, especially Peter.

The High King tried to force words past the tightness of his throat.

"...Martin Samuels, you are hereby charged with bringing down the otherwise well-respected name of Narnian fan fiction, harboring lustful desires towards an even higher respected queen, and presenting a pitiful image."

The Faun babbled incoherently, eyes slightly unfocused.  
"B-bu....blearghhhie....achawaa?"  
Peter shook his head.

"Yeekida. Nophera leeanta unso teek-a."  
Martin began sobbing all the harder. Edmund only looked outraged and lasciviously envious.

"Peter!" He howled. "You never told me you could speak Gibberish!"

The High King shrugged slightly.

"I also didn't tell you that I broke into Susan's lipstick supply and applied it to you when you were sleeping."

"You WHAT?!"

Peter waved an airy hand and returned to the horrendous creations before him. Lucy stood to her feet, her countenance as dark as the night.

"How could you?" She shouted mindlessly at her 'brother'. "How can you be so heartless?"  
Susan shook her head slightly, speaking up for the first time.

"Peter, I think it's time we finish this chapter up. We're at two thousand and ninety-one words already."  
"Uh, right..."

_-------- _

_Anger filled Maria as she saw what this unknown writer was doing to her story. It was ruined!!!1!111 This was unfair~!  
"WHO KEEPS RUINING MY STORY~?!!!111" she howled into the night, not expecting anyone to reply as she vented off her intense rage._

_"I am. And I like to think of it as...mmm, an improvement."  
Maria screamed in surprise and whipped around. No one was there._

_"W-Who are you?" She squeaked, clutching her iPod close, where Hannah Montana's 'Best of both worlds' was set on repeat.  
"I?" Asked the speaker, and Maria nodded tearfully, slowly turning around. _

_"...I am your worst nightmare."  
There was a girl. Hanging upside down. From her bedroom ceiling._

_Maria pondered the next logical step that she should take, and took it.  
She screamed.  
"WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!?" The girl with large ears howled, still upside-down, pinching the bridge of her nose as if fighting off a headache. "It's really beginning to annoy."  
"B-But you're...you're..."  
"Yes, I'm a Monkey. Now, shut face so I can firmly and soundly berate your lack of knowledge and writing."_

_"B-bu...blearghhie...achawaa?"_

_MonkeySaru glared dangerously, folding her arms and looking highly cross from her position on the ceiling._

_"Hleargha, monlisaya tutu farloon."  
Maria gasped in shock and recoiled as though she had been stung or strongly cursed out in public. MonkeySaru shrugged and dropped to the floor, looking over the laptop skeptically._

_"Pink...is so not your color."_

_And with that, she tossed it out the open window._

_Maria screamed something incoherent that I shall not say here, because, for those of you who CAN read Gibberish, it is something most foul and should not be repeated anywhere. _

_"WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP!" MonkeySaru howled, chucking a well-aimed High School Musical special edition three-disc set at the 'Sue writer._

_It knocked against her shallow skull with a resounding crack, but she just stood there, twitching violently._

_MonkeySaru cleared her throat and unrolled a long piece of parchment._

_"I, Peter, High King over Narnia, Emporer of the Lone Islands, to Miraz, sometime--wait a minute..." Monkey's brow furrowed, eyes narrowing in confusion as she read on._

_"Gah, wrong one. Sorry. Here it is," she mumbled sheepishly, tossing the Prince Caspian prop aside for later use as she unrolled the scroll._

_"'Maria Susan Jones,_

_You are hereby being sentenced to being flamed by several highly respected authors for your trash of a story. You are charged with treason against the noble Narnian Fan fiction name, making a totally pitiful excuse for a character, so much so that you had to use the name of one of the canonical figures of Narnia for a last name because you couldn't think of one for yourself, and for destroying her majesty Queen Lucy's honor.  
You are allowed to do one of two things._

_Number one; get a beta reader and do not come back to the Narnian office until your story is scrubbed clean of all 'Sue disease,_

_Number two; Leave and never return._

_Hoping you are well,  
_

_--The Team of Clean Sueless Narnian Fan fiction office, or TTCSNF._

_Maria merely babbled in reply, foaming slightly at the mouth._

_"B-but my story...it's good..."_

_"No, it isn't, I can assure you," MonkeySaru sighed, trying her hardest to be sympathetic. It wasn't working. "I just spoke to someone who read your fiction, and they had to go get a full-scale laser-eye surgery because of the damage. He wants to sue you (BAHAHA. Get it? SUE?! SNORKSNORKSNORK), but TTCSNF wants to plead your case before any other action is taken."_

_"...But...hyllifakknuh..."_

_"Nope."_

_Maria began to wail._

_"But he's mine! He is totally original and I love him too much to leave or change him! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"  
"Miss, put down the hairdryer, or I'll be forced to take action."_

_------_

"Well, Susan? Would you like to do the honors?"  
The Gentle queen nodded stiffly, raising her horn to her lips.

The full blast of the sound carried all across Narnia, shaking the trees and causing all the standing water they had resting on their leaves to fall down in a rush and thoroughly soak Edmund, despite his incoherent screaming about bad luck and older siblings who do these kinds of things on purpose. The terribly sweet sound of the horn carried in torrents of crashing audio waves, splitting through the sound barrier and blocking out all other noise.

Immediately, there was a Gryphon screech, an arrow, and Lucy, the real Lucy, fell through the treetops and landed in the mud, bow and quiver in hand.

"THAT'S THE FIFTEENTH TIME THIS WEEK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" She screeched, and, soaking wet and freezing though he was, Edmund managed to snicker a bit.  
Martin, stunned as all this happened at once, was surprised to find that there was an arrow protruding from his chest, leaking blue glitter.  
"VILE! WICKED! SCUM BETWEEN MY TOES!" Lucy continued to holler, storming towards the two. Brushing the leaves from her hair, the Valiant queen went about in her mindless rage and soundly slapped the fake Lucy across the face, completely ignoring the Marty Sam that was bleeding alone on the ground.  
"I look much better in the green dress, just for your information," Lucy hissed at the stunned 'Sue, who instinctively looked down at the pink dress she was garbed in. Lucy, however, had no time to deal with such things, because she had already yanked out an arrow from her quiver and stabbed it forcefully through the chest of the other Lucy.

Lucy gasped, eyes wide as pink, glittery blood sprayed forth and stained the real Lucy in its Sue-ishness. Then she gave a scream and dissipated like smoke.

Fury describing her every movement, Lucy turned on the Marty Sam, eyes ablaze.

"YOU WAN'T SOME!?" She howled, and he rather thought she had gone quite mad from the amount of time in her 'Stu prison. He wailed all the more at this thought, even as he lay dying.

"I would sooner be killed by your hands than be loved by anyone else!" He moaned.

Edmund, however, just wanted this done with, no matter what the risk.

"LUCY AND MARTIN, SITTIN' IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G," He sang loudly, goading her on, and Lucy actually entered a sort of Stu-rage, which could also be called a blood thirst, but seeing as Sue's and Stu's have no blood, it is called a Stu-rage. Stop asking so many questions.

Taking five arrows, she held out her hand for the lighter that Caspian kindly tossed to her, and lit them all. She shot them all at once, and, being a fair archer in her own right, every arrow hit their target.

And so, Mary Sam died in a puff of blue glitter.

Breathing hard, and with shaking hands, Lucy dropped her weapons and pinched the bridge of her nose, headache forming behind her eyes.

"That...was horrible..."

"We can tell," Caspian said matter-of-factly, and took back his lighter before Lucy could do any more damage with it. Looking down at her hands, Lucy groaned.

"It's all over me..."  
"It washes out with oxi-clean, good as new."

"Come on, Lu, let's get you home and changed," Susan said gently, and reached for her sister's hand to pull her atop the horse.  
"Well. That was eventful," said Caspian quietly.

Peter opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, three acorns, one right after the other, bounced off the back of his skull, making a slightly hollow noise.

Silence followed.

"Ed," he gritted his teeth, looking back at his brother, who was grinning quite wickedly.  
"Lion, I knew your head was filled with sawdust, but I didn't expect it to sound**that **empty..."

Peter threw down his reigns and reached for his sword. Edmund had already spurred Phillip on with a "RUN!", and the two brothers vanished from sight, the sound of galloping horses racing quickly into the night amidst the screams and taunting of two boys who had somehow managed to compose themselves as kings for several years.

"...Do they...?" Caspian began to ask, but Lucy cut him off sharply, trying to ignore how tired and heavy her voice was.

"--Always act like this whenever they see fit? Yes. Now let's go. I'm in want of a room without sparkly blue cell bars."

_---_

_"MY STORY! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE," Maria Susan yowled, holding the hairdryer in dangerous proximity to MonkeySaru's face. Glaring daggers, MonkeySaru yanked on a chain, and out of what seemed like thin air came a large cannon named "The Canon Cannon"._

_"I'm warning you, Maria," Monkey said threateningly. "Pull your story from Fan fiction or I'll be forced to take action."_

_"MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE," Maria babbled on and on, and Monkey shook her head, lighting the end of the fuse._

_The explosion could be heard from the Artemis Fowl to the Twilight archives. Leaving the room a blackened, singing mess, and a very unconscious 'Sue, MonkeySaru fixed the hat on her head before pocketing the cannon for later use. A warm golden light was at her side, and Aslan purred quietly, if it is not disrespectful to say that a Lion purrs._

_"That'll do, Monkey, that'll do." He rumbled, highly amused, and MonkeySaru, brushing her hair behind her ears, had the decency to blush._

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

_Well? What did you think?_

_^^  
Need reviews. Kthxbai._

_P.S._

_I wanna take the time out to thank my LOVELY LOVELY BETA, Tonzura123!_

_YOU ROCK. ^^_

_She totally made me want to post this chapter and stuff. SO – THANK YOU, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND YOU ANOTHER. :D_

_And I also wanna thank a friend of mine from the fantastic for his brilliant spoof off of my story. It made me smile. X] The link is on my profile, ya'll, go check it out._

_ANDANDAND._

_I was thinking about this the other night, and…_

_…if ya'll have fanart ideas, and wanna go ahead and draw 'em – please do. I absolutely /adore/ seeing things people do that have to do with my work. So if you've got fanart, please don't hesitate to PM it to me. For either Light or End of the world. Really. I won't bite your head off._

_…I swear…_

_You might even get linked on my profile. ;o_


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